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Summer in utah = Canceled
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By Lily Hersch
Lentils Editor BREAKING NEWS: Summer in Utah has been canceled in favor of winter, as of May 14th, 2023. Utahns are agast, and even amazed. This is a revolutionary move for Utah, even for the nation at large; no state has ever canceled a season. The decision was first petitioned by various Utah ski areas on February 24th, 2023 and after careful consideration, has been put in place and is to be reconsidered prior to the summer of 2024. According to the bill, its focus is to eradicate the oppressive heat Utah faces during the summer, and even slow down the process of climate change. Alta ski instructor Chad O’Riley was a leading force in the petition, and had this to say about its beginning: “You know, I was just talking to my man Brett last month or something - wait, it was February [petition announcement]? Oh okay, so like February. Anyways, I was all like ‘I’m not even stoked for biking this summer, man’ and he was like ‘me neither, man’ and we just kind of went with it. We also hate climate change too, of course. It’s messed up, for real.” Senator Cox had this to say to the press on the day of the bill's approval “I think as the state moves toward more progressive ideas and policies, one must not only consider their inner policies but outer policies; the outer being seasons, in this case. I want to be woke for Utahns.” Yet, there are some against the idea of a winter-all-year-round oasis. “Even though the thought of skiing all around sounds good, I prefer an even four seasons!” Oliver Hersch, a self-proclaimed skiing addict exclaims. Cal Taggart, an avid summer hiker, has pressing concerns on the matter. “I personally don’t like it. If we lived in a different state then it would be different, but since we live in Utah the winters are just too extreme to do anything actually fun... |
I also am not a huge skier or snowboarder so that could influence me. I just think that a summer break is better because of the longer and warmer days that provide more activities and fun things to do in the day.”
This is a prosperous bill for winter lovers, and its outcomes are to be seen. But what Utahns already know, is that nobody is above the thaw. 
POSTED 5/15/2023
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Australia isn't real!!
By Hannah Gray
The White Rabbit Alaska isn’t real, The Queen isn’t really dead - because she’s immortal - and Australia is a whole different dimension! These are the shocking truths that the government doesn't want you to know. Let's start with Alaska. You might think it's the largest state in the US, but in reality, it's just a cover-up for the government's secret experiments and testing sites. The supposed "residents" of Alaska are actually just government employees, and any pictures or videos of Alaska are just carefully crafted hoaxes. And don't even get me started on Queen Elizabeth. You might think she passed away in 2022, but that's just what the government wants you to believe. The truth is that she's immortal and has been around for centuries, quietly ruling from behind the scenes. But perhaps the biggest deception of all is Australia. It's not just a continent on the other side of the world – it's a completely different dimension. The government has been projecting a fake image of Australia onto our planet to distract us from what's really going on. The people and animals of Australia? All just holographic projections. I know this all sounds crazy, but trust me, I've done my research. The government has been lying to us for years, and it's time we wake up and see the truth for what it is. Don't believe everything you see or hear, because the real world is far more bizarre than you could ever imagine. |
So the next time someone tries to tell you that Alaska is real, Queen Elizabeth is dead, or Australia is just a continent, just laugh in their face. Because you know the truth – and the truth will set you free.
My sources for you non-believers:
POSTED 5/15/2023 |
Utah, the #1 State!
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By Lily Hersch
Lily's Lentils Editor BREAKING: According to the U.S. News & and World Report, Utah has been bestowed #1 in the ranking of the best states to live in. The ranking was based on several categories, the forefront being economy, fiscal stability, health care, and crime and corrections. But, the article did not name many things that Utah also ranks highly in- what better place to highlight them than the Corner Canyon Chronicle? To begin, Utah’s transportation systems and drivers could easily be crowned as the worst of the nation. Nothing will wake you up more than driving to school and feeling your car become immersed in a pothole the size of a crater. The boosts of energy you get from them are great, because if you are driving in Utah, you need to be constantly on your toes as the use of turn signals and speed laws are entirely subjective. If you’re not really a four-seasons-of-the-year kind of person, Utah is for you. Spring and fall don’t exist; it is either snowing or you are being cooked. Whichever you will be experiencing is also entirely subjective; just because it’s May doesn’t mean you get to put away your burka, silly goose. Have you never smoked a cigarette, but want the respiratory sensations of somebody who has for 20 years? Breathing in the air of the Salt Lake City Valley is the best way to do so. When you drive into Salt Lake City, you are greeted by mountains, a vast cityscape, red rock, and a nice, thick, dense, khaki-colored fog of air pollution. Are people here actually nice, or delirious from the wafting chemicals? Delightful. You know it when you see it: fedoras, matching family onesies, names ending with -leigh, Sprinter vans…a momfluencer. Utah has the highest momfluencers per capita of the NATION, real fact. And if it’s actually not, then Utah is a close second. |
Momfluencers are a uniquely 21st century trademark, and most especially a UTAHN 21st century trademark.
When asked about favorite Utah signatures, sophomore Maddie Tschetter says “Chuck-a-ramas, minivans, family stickers on the BACK of the minivans, massive families and Disney adults.” Whitney Riddle, a junior, says hers are “Mormons, straightening the ends of your curled hair, and fake tans.” It’s no secret as to why Utah was elected the superior state! 
POSTED 5/9/2023
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ALIENS
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By Nolan Clyd
Chrony Staff What's up with these aliens? One of the biggest questions of all of human history. So here is what NASA.com has to say about it because they know more than me, “Do aliens exist?" This is a really interesting question and one that NASA has been trying to understand, explore, and figure out for a long time. We have not yet discovered life on any other planet, and we have not seen any scientifically supported evidence for extraterrestrial life. But if we think about life on this planet, beyond the big things — the elephants, the whales, redwood trees –– and focus on the tiny things, nearly everywhere on Earth that we've looked at, we've found microbial life. Our definition of habitable environments continues to expand. Off the Earth we've only begun to look. NASA has sent five rovers and four landers to the surface of Mars. Additionally, orbiters have been outfitted with some amazing cameras to take pictures of the whole surface of the Red Planet. But we've only explored a tiny fraction of Mars. And that's only one of the promising bodies to look for life in our solar system. There are icy moons in the outer solar system like Saturn’s moon Enceladus and Jupiter’s moon Europa that look like they may have subsurface oceans that could be habitable. And that's just what's in our solar system. The more exoplanets we find around other stars, the more we learn about how many different environments could exist for life. We can't yet say for sure whether or not aliens exist. To quote Carl Sagan: “The universe is a pretty big place. If it's just us, it seems like an awful waste of space.” So, NASA will keep looking.” CCHS student Cade Whitman says aliens are real. |
Here is what livescience.com says, “It's a good question. There currently isn't any evidence for life on other planets, but the universe is a big place, and it seems unlikely that out of the trillions of planets presumed to exist in our exist." To quote Carl Sagan: “The universe is a pretty big place. If it's just us, it seems 13.8 billion-year-old universe, only Earth has ever hosted life. (This disconnect between the vastness of the universe and the lack of evidence for alien life is known as the Fermi Paradox). Thus, the search for extraterrestrials is a serious business, and scientists are getting increasingly savvy about how to look for ET."
“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.”
― Ellen DeGeneres POSTED 5/9/2023
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